Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
