i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize