was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
