I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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