thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
did i just pee glitter
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
