I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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