Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
