I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
