My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize