??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
