currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
