I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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