I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
