you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
