i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
