his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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