how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
