It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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