so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
