Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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