Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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