hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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