I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
