Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
