i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We are all done wearing pants today
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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