My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
