You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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