He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
