You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
