i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
