He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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