then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
