Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
