I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
