dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
