I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
