Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
