Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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