And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sext me about skeletons
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
