I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
