dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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