she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
