life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
