Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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