Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"