i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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