I met the friendliest cop last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
