no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The power of my boobs compel you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
