I'm drive I can fine osifer
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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