The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
