I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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