Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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