You can't special order awesome
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
