What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
