I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
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Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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