Just fell off a train. Bad.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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