She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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